The last couple of days have been intense. I will write more about them later but just a preview: a fever, vomiting, passing out, bleeding incision site, an emergency EKG and chest X-rays are included.
But one thing I am focusing on it such a simple need.
A drink of water, something so simple, seems unattainable right now. Day one: no liquids, no ice, nothing. Day two: minimal ice cubes to make my mouth comfortable…whatever that means. Tomorrow (if I get the doctor’s approval) I will be able to take in 60ml of clear liquids.
Before surgery I would drink 100 ounces of water a day without thinking twice.
I know it will get easier with time. I know that it will get better eventually. But today, right now, I’m thirsty.
“as my heart grows faint…lead me to the rock that is higher than I” (Psalm 61:2)
I have never been more aware of my desperate humanity, my inability to be self-sufficient, and my overwhelming need for divine intervention.
Easter has always been my favorite holiday. As a little girl it meant a trip to the beach for Spring Break, colorful clothes, suntans, TCBY, and white shoes. As an adult there is nothing I am more grateful for than the blood shed on Good Friday and the resurrection of Easter Sunday.
Today I have never been more grateful for the words Jesus spoke on the cross. Christ made seven statements while hanging on our Mercy Tree, and if you grew up in the church, you know where I’m going. In John 19:28 to fulfill the prophecy, Jesus said “I thirst”. Usually when pastors review the statements of the cross, they use this verse to illustrate Jesus’ status as full man while being full God. But today, they speak to my broken, lonely, scared, and pained heart. To that part of my soul that thinks no one knows what pain I’ve experienced in life, to that part that believes the lies that I am unworthy of love, to the broken places that I think will never heal…to this gaping wound on my abdomen…it’s to those parts of me that this simple statement speaks.
Like a soothing salve, hearing my Savior say “I thirst” is like Him saying “shhh…I know. I know. I know it hurts. I know you’re in pain. I know. It’s not easy and it won’t be, but I’m here. I know.”
Every day of my life was written on His hands. As He hung on the cross He knew I not only needed His blood to wash away my sins, He knew I needed His words to comfort me along the way and so He spoke “I thirst” and I know He already saw this moment. He knew I needed those words today.
Your days are written on His hands as well, my friends. I don’t know what you’re going through, but He does. If He can soothe me in this hospital room, He can meet you anywhere. Don’t believe me? Next time you take a sip of water ask Him to show up for you. He will. He always does.